that's actually what happened that's what I call

observe and describe you observe

what happened and described it which is very neutral

versus like my child's

being so bad if I don't do something

about this he's gonna grow up hitting everyone

he's gonna get kicked out of school

no one's gonna be his friend

all the parents are gonna judge me you know

you go down that road yeah

that's exactly that's exactly what happens

welcome back to raising men if you've ever

had a toddler

throw themselves on the floor because you

cut their toast the wrong way well you know how intense

those early years can be but what

if we frame toddlerhood not

as something that we have to endure

but as one of the richest seasons for growth both

for our kids and for us as parents

today I'm joined by Devin Coonsman she's the author

of Transforming Toddlerhood and the founder

of the business by that same name she's on a mission

to rewrite the story

that we tell about this stage of life

she helps parents move from chaos to connection

from power struggles to partnership and from guilt

to Grace Devin

welcome to raising men thank you so much for having me

well so so so many parents myself included

just absolutely brace themselves for the terrible twos

but you're promoting a different way of thinking

about toddlerhood tell me about it

yes you know we all get told

whenever we have a baby and then that baby starts

crawling and then that baby's about to start walking

just wait just wait until they're a toddler

just wait until they're two just wait

until they're a teenager everyone like warns

us and then I find that we enter toddlerhood

kind of like white

knuckling it like oh man what are we getting into here

and what I like to tell

families is that when we are focused on mitigating

something

that hasn't even happened yet we're already training

our brains to look for what

we would say would be like

negative or the behavior we don't wanna see

so of course we're gonna start noticing

that if we're hyper focused on

what's gonna go wrong when our kid turns 1 2 3

you know and so if we start looking at twos

as a critical developmental period

instead of a terrible

developmental period because it sets the stage

for brain development for emotional development

for the rest of your child's life then we actually can

support our child's development and be empowered

but if we're just looking for the terrible

then we're actually doing

ourselves a disservice as parents

we're gonna feel a lot more frustrated

and we're gonna have a lot less access to being able to

really support our child's development

because we're too busy focused on

you know what's gonna go wrong or be bad about it

yeah I have a business mentor that used to say to me

um used to say your biggest opportunity

is often your biggest problem and vice versa

your biggest problem is often your biggest opportunity

and that has you know in the business

context always helped me really reframe

what I'm looking at as the other thing which is

a really

really useful thing and we look at toddlerhood as

this enormous problem oh man I'm gonna have to endure

and you know set boundaries and do all of that

but if you think about it as

wait no I have the opportunity to really set them on

the right trajectory it it changes your behavior

absolutely everything that we treat as a problem

is an opportunity

for learning an opportunity for growth whether that

is our child's tantrum

or if we lose our patience as the parent

all of these so called problems truly are opportunities

so I love thinking about this in the business context

too absolutely is true in parenting so how

so tell me about how it works how do how do toddlers

actually learn and communicate

through their emotions and behavior

yeah so in toddlerhood

in my book I talk a lot about younger toddlers versus

older toddlers

so I think to have this conversation is good to establish

like okay what's a toddler here so

I like to talk about younger toddlers ages 1 and 2

and these are our younger ones that um are definitely

in toddlerhood and they have very

limited expressive language skills

so they're not able to tell us a lot about what they're thinking

and feeling and need but they absolutely

can understand a lot of what we're saying

then we have 3 and 4 year olds that are older toddlers

that still have the same lack of brain maturation

lack of skills although they're learning

more because they have a little more life experience

but now they have a better command of expressive

language so they're gonna start experimenting

with words to communicate how they feel

but they're gonna miss the Mark so they're gonna say things like

you're not my friend anymore I don't know you're mean

things like that whereas like a one and two year olds

going to use their behavior a lot more to express their

um feelings emotions

and needs and so what we really need to understand

instead of labeling behavior as good and bad

we need to label behavior

as communication it's communicating

your child's feelings and emotions

their level of brain maturation their the lower brain

the um more primal part of our brain that's

responsible for feelings and emotions

the stress response

I call that the Conan the barbarian brain

as opposed to the Sherlock Holmes brain

exactly yeah it's like this part of the brain

is really well developed for toddlers

that's why they drop

down there so quickly and so often

whereas the part of the brain that's

responsible for emotional regulation logical thinking

um empathy all of this is not very mature

so toddlers have a harder time staying there

so we're going to see them using behavior

to communicate

their um their feelings and emotions their basic needs

their sensory needs and their developmental needs

like the need to feel capable

to exert their will to have a sense of control

to experiment and explore

these are all things your toddler is working on

because the whole point of toddlerhood

is for your little one to

become their own person to develop a sense of self

for the very first time in their lives

realizing they're a separate individual

from their parents and caregivers so what do

you know I found that in my experience

and I I remembered even when they were little babies

it felt like they were trying to manipulate me

or they were scheming to try and get you know

I don't know more candy or

or whatever it was but obviously

I mean they're not they're they're behaving

out of that cone in the barbarian

brain what are the tactics I need

in order to keep myself in the Sherlock Holmes brain

from and and keep myself from dropping down there

and and and getting in a fight

yeah it's so easy to jump on your child's

emotional roller coaster

the first thing we need to do after we understand that

you know all behavior is communication

we have to like reframe

the story we're telling ourselves about that behavior

so instead of saying oh my kids being so manipulative

when we kind of get to the root of what's happening

which toddlers are reliant on us to really

meet their needs their physical needs

their emotional needs and so they're being

strategic to ensure their needs are met

whether that's to get another piece of candy

or to like feel connected

to us or to like get their next meal because

I mean your kid can't just

hop in the car go to the grocery store

cook up a meal and things like that so

I think we sometimes forget that young children

are just reliant on us to get all of these needs met

so as soon as we can start saying

my toddler's not being bad they're having a hard time

we're going to start looking at solutions

and how do we help our child have the skills

or have the support

they need to be successful versus asking ourselves

what punishment does my child need

so if you're thinking

how do I not jump on this roller coaster

we really have to tell ourselves we have to like

tell ourselves when we start getting in that stress

response hey wait a minute brain

you're trying to trick me you're trying to trick me

into this sense of urgency

you're trying to trick me that there is a threat

right now so we literally

have to just make sure our kids are physically safe

and that we're physically safe

um you know if your child's hitting you have to

put them down

you have to create some space between you maybe you

have to like put a pillow

between the two of you whatever it is to like tell your brain

hi we're safe here this is not an emergency

yeah and then you can start to ground yourself

and come back up to your upper brain

and be more regulated but

we have we're really fighting against that innate

biology

that's trying to tell us there's a threat there yeah

one of the issues I have is I like to see two

data points and then I'll draw a line between the two

and then I'll act as if we're all the way over in the

infinite extension of that line

as if if I let the kid get away with you know whatever

then when he's an adult he's gonna do X

right I

I have to actively beat down that reflex in myself

and just recognize that it's that fear

loop right that like that like extrapolation that

we we go into whenever we're like feeling that stress

response yeah yeah it it is

and and I'm almost when I'm doing that I'm almost

worried about how it reflects on myself

as opposed to how it's

how it's gonna impact him when he's older

and you know I think taking the ego out of it

is another real important key to

being able to manage that

yeah this is why a lot of parenting truly is mindset

because if we get stuck in these thought loops yeah

where we're

telling ourselves a story

about our child's behavior like oh

they're gonna grow up to be a brat manipulative

a bully or whatever or we get into thought loops

about the story we're telling ourselves about

you know our parenting oh we have no control

we're doing a bad job or ruining

our kid you know all of the thought loop or

am I gonna be judged

or people gonna think I didn't do a good job you know whatever it is

right it's all of these um

thought loops that really stem from um

that place of like fear and being in the unknown

because our minds don't like to be out in the unknown

um and so it's really

about shifting our mindset to interrupt

these story loops that we tell ourselves that

really take us out of the present moment and you know

put us into a place of fear

and then we're acting from fear

of the future of something that may never happen

instead of what's actually

happening in the moment'cause what's happening in the moment

per se is like

I was holding my kiddo and getting him a glass of milk

but he just woke up from his nap and was still groggy and sleepy and I wasn't

moving fast enough and he like bought me on the head

and like that's

that's actually what happened that's what I call

observe and describe you observe

what happened and described it which is very neutral

versus like my child's

being so bad if I don't do something about this he's gonna grow up hitting

everyone he's gonna get kicked

out of school no one's gonna be his friend

all the parents are gonna judge me you know

you go down that road yeah

that's exactly that's exactly what happens

and so I mean that's a really

this observe and describe

thing is a really great practical tool uh

walk me through how that works in practice

like let's let's continue with this with this

um with this example

he bonks you on the head as you get him

as as you get him some milk what do you do yeah

so typically you'll see this type of behavior

from like a kid that's between 1 and 2 years old where they're just experimenting

with their bodies and how to use their bodies

to communicate because they can't say like faster or

this is taking so long or I really need milk

right now or whatever it is so what you might do is um

if it just happened once and your child's

not like really really upset you might just say oh

you just hit me

are you trying to say you want the milk

you can say milk please milk please

use your hand gentle like this

you know so it's really about creating connection

setting limits and following through

and teaching skills

this is the recipe for healthy effective discipline and

say that your child's

though really upset and they're like going to a tantrum and they're like

flailing and hitting and things like that

then you have to respond

a little different you have to start with the limit

because if not if you don't establish that safety

you're going to feel um

more and more stressed and get into that like stress

response right so I might say something like

I won't let you hit hitting hurts

and then maybe give like um

you know set them down or

say oh you can hit this cushion

you can't hit Mommy something like that

and then once they're like calming

down a little bit I might say wow

looks like you were feeling frustrated

you wanted that milk faster and Mama wasn't fast enough

when you want milk you say milk please

because it's really about teaching skills

yeah when kids have the skills

to communicate they do better

I think a lot of the time especially you know before

I really developed

the skills to deal with that sort of thing

in a healthy way not that I do all the time by any

stretch of the imagination oh we're

no one's perfect here yeah

exactly because we're human beings we like literally

are incapable of being 100% consistent

100% perfect it's like not even possible

as human beings yeah

but it was easy for me to forget that

this this really is a skill thing they they don't

I wouldn't get mad at them for not being able to walk

or run and yet

I'll get mad at them for not having

the interpersonal skills required in order to

express dissatisfaction in a healthy way that's insane

yeah cause they just don't have the life experience

and the brain maturation and the impulse control

yeah and that's the thing it's like a child's impulse

control at the at this age

especially in toddlerhood is much lower

then their developmental drive to exert their will

and to you know like they're just not able to

control themselves in these moments and

I I typically say like okay we wouldn't punish a child

who's like learning to ride

a bike and like falling down or like learning to swim

like who has ever punished a child

who's like learning to swim and like doesn't have the skills

yet right but that's the difference between

like the hard skills you know like physical skills

and then like the soft skills

which are social emotional skills because

social emotional skills are harder to see

we sometimes forget that those skills indeed

are there and they are still a skill

they're actually skills

yeah and you have to develop them

now let's let's continue this um

this example that we talked about with the milk

as the as as a toddler gets older

the the communication switches from behavior to verbal

right yes so

you know is do you the way that you deal with it

is it different

um when they're starting to melt down

instead of you know hitting you or pushing you

yeah so we regardless of like a child's

age I still use the same framework but

the things we do and say

inside the framework might change a little bit

so let's say that we have a child who is um having

a tantrum let's say that you gave them milk

and then they wanted

more milk but that's like not within your limits

that the milk is all done

you know that we're not giving more milk

and so then they start getting really upset

because it's typical when we set a limit

for a child to have a reaction

to that because we just took away

their sense of control which they're developmentally

driven to have a sense of

control because they're trying to

become their own individual

so when we take away that sense of control

they're not gonna like it right so they're gonna say something about it so now your kiddo is

headed into a meltdown

the biggest thing to do during a meltdown you might

less is more typically but you might say

oh you really wanted more milk and the milk is finished

and then your you know your child is just um

upset and crying yeah

so the biggest thing that you can do during

that time is just ground yourself

take deep breaths and try to keep your

emotions in check yeah because the calmer you can stay

emotions are contagious and so that will

wear off eventually it works both ways right

emotions are contagious

so when they're melting down it wants me to melt down

exactly because then we're trying to jump on their

emotional roller coaster and we're like wait

someone's got to pull the brakes here yeah so

you can't do that if you're on the roller coaster so

the biggest mistake though I see parents

make when it comes to tantrums

besides punishing a kid for having a tantrum

when really they're just having a hard time coping here

um is that

parents will sit and like stand by the refrigerator

in this example waiting for their child to

decide to stop crying and accept the limit

the challenge is is that if we

don't start moving forward

then our child will think there's a chance

there's a chance they might just open that fridge

and give me another sip of milk so it's

important to not only say okay the milk's all done

but to also move forward

so you might like grab like a cup of water and say

oh there's water here when you're ready and

you know you set it on the table

and then maybe you go turn on some music

you get out a toy you start playing

when your child sees you moving forward then

they're more likely to move forward

because they see like any chance of you backtracking

has like that train's left the station

yeah it's not it's not gonna happen yeah

yeah I I can see I mean that appeals to me as an adult

I can imagine times where you know I'm not getting

what I want but the person is still kind of dangling it in front of me and then

that sort of gives me hope and then I I

stick with that and then whereas if we move on past it

then I can I can start handling it

yeah and let me take this example a step further

for all the parents that are like okay

yeah well I just put that cup of water on the table

and of course if I have a kid having a tantrum

I'm probably gonna make sure there's a lid on it

and at least a lid um but hopefully in like a spill

proof like water bottle type of thing but if not

and your kid just goes and like swipes off the table

cause they're mad and they don't want that water yeah

we might be so tempted to say what are you doing

you don't do that clean that up right now

you know whatever it is go to your room

sit in the corner that's bad you know whatever it is

but we have to understand

that our kid is like seeing

red they're out of their minds

right now they're not doing this to be bad they're doing this to convey

how frustrated and upset

and then you got people say well they should just know better

you know what when your kiddo's

not losing their mind and upset and stuck in a stress

response in that lower brain they do

know that they shouldn't

swipe water and you know throw water off a table

yeah however

in that moment being stuck in a stress response

our kids are not thinking rationally yeah

they are just trying to communicate

their deep displeasure the

best way they know how so what we need to do is

let our kid get over the hump of the tantrum

tantrums are always kind of like a bell

curve right like at some point it's gonna peak

and then they're gonna come down the other side yeah

and then when they're coming down the other side

that's when they can start to hear us again

and we're like connecting

and then we say something like

you were so upset you threw the water off the table

let's clean that up water stays on the table

let's clean that up together and you give them like a

sponge you get a sponge and then

you know you go clean it up that's teaching

that's teaching like our actions have a consequence

yeah but like in a logical way

right not in an adult imposed arbitrary consequence

where we're like now you have no

screen time the rest of the day or no dessert tonight

yeah that's an arbitrary

consequence not a logical consequence which is like you

spilled the water through the water

now we need to clean up the water yeah yeah and I think

you know I I can imagine that one of the the

the push backs against that concept is

no they need to be punished

because they need to learn that they can't spill water

and that's the answer to that yeah

the way they're learning

that is the natural consequence of having to clean up the water

yeah and and so like like

applying an arbitrary consequence

like no screen time for the rest of the day

they won't connect those things it's you know it's

I don't know very similar to training a dog in that way

they just don't you know it just feels like

it it feels arbitrary to them and that's

that's its own problem

if they feel like they live in this arbitrary world where at any moment

the hammer comes down then that creates

all this anxiety and

and is really maladaptive I I imagine

exactly and that's the thing where it's like

are we trying to help our kids learn

how to learn that human beings make mistakes and learn

how to make things right after making a mistake yeah

or are we trying to teach kids

that they should comply with a higher

you will respect my authority

authority right like no matter what

because if we want to focus on compliance

based parenting and us being in control

then we're setting ourselves

up to always have to be there to draw the line in the sand

yeah versus kids learning the skills

the emotional regulation the behavior regulation skills

and also like this skills to make amends

and to make things right like oh yeah I knocked

that water over I should like go clean that up versus

like

going to sit in the corner and think about what they did what they're thinking

about is that maybe I have lost my parents

unconditional love and acceptance which is

what your child is most concerned about this age

because again

they're reliant on you to get all of their needs met

so if they feel like that connection is threatened

they're going to have a lot of fear

going through them because then

maybe they're not gonna get a meal

maybe they're not gonna get a hug and that's what matters

most to your kids at this age and so

we have to think like do we want our kids

be motivated by fear

and like really be setting up the fear

pathways in the brain

that's like priming kids for anxiety and depression

and things like that or do we want to

really strengthen the neuro pathways and connections

that are um full of connection and learning

you know the outcomes

of like behavior how to make amends

how to like clean up the messes literal literal

messes and figurative

messes like the emotional messes right

yeah but it it seems like the whole the key to this is

maintaining your own emotional regulation

when the kid knocks the glass of water off the table

and water spills all over everything

maybe on the furniture you know ruining some stuff

how do you stay emotional what are some tactics

that you use to stay emotionally

regulated in that moment that's something that I

feel like I struggle with someone yeah absolutely

and there's gonna be days where we're like

more resource or less resource

right like days where we're more tired more hungry

have more

stress in our lives right and it's gonna be harder

to stay at that emotional equilibrium

here's the good news

you don't always have to stay there

but the best way to get there is to

again establish the physical safety and then literally

tell yourself this is not an emergency

I am safe and my child safe because when we can tell

our brains we are safe

and then practice grounding ourselves then

it's going to get better it's gonna get easier to pause

so we have to really

fight that biological sense of urgency to react

right now because

it's not gonna make a difference if we react if we

respond to our child's behavior

right now or in five minutes like it's gonna be okay

it's better to respond in a way that's

you know emotionally healthy so we have to ground

ourselves

and it's gonna be different for every person so I really recommend

that you go

and like think about okay what are things that help me feel like calm and regulated

is it taking deep breaths is it like

checking in with my five senses is it

like smelling some essential oil or lighting a candle

is it sitting down is it looking outside

is it splashing cold water on my face is it blowing

bubbles

it could even be something silly like blowing bubbles

right like keeping bubbles in your

your kitchen or nearby but I recommend that everyone

write down like

three things that um you either know helps

calm you down and ground you or three things to try

practice those for a week first of all

stick it on sticky notes

all over your house so you can

remember when you're like seeing red

and then practice it and see what you find out

I know for myself personally

I the more I can move

it like helps like give energy to like my frustration

so for me sitting down or even laying down like taking

away my ability to move like calms me down

a lot whereas some people actually

need to move I'm the reverse

yeah I need to take a look right yeah so you know it's

it's really you have to get to know yourself

um and see like what will work

for you but here's the good news say that um

you know you have

this you you've you've just totally lost it and you

use shame blame guilt judgment or fear

in that moment where your kids you know behavior

went off the rails

and your behavior went off the rails

you can always come back and repair

the relationship and that's what it means

to take a problem

and turn it into an opportunity

right it's an opportunity to rewire your brain

and to model that repair process

right to make amends with your child and strengthen

that relationship and then model skills

that your child's going to learn

now I'm not saying that we should like

purposely like troll our kids yeah um

to be able to create opportunities no there will be

plenty of them of of natural opportunities to exactly

right so I'm not just saying like oh you should just like

go hard on your kids and then repair it yeah no

but what this is is like

as human beings there's gonna be moments

that like we just mess up we make mistakes

and so do we want we want to like normalize

it's human to make mistakes

and what do you do once you make a mistake

and if you can model that process for your kiddo

it's on page I believe 49 in my book but I have a four step process

for making amends which is um taking ownership

so that might be something like hey

back there

I felt really frustrated

and I totally lost control and yelled

and then you want to check in with your kid to check in on the impact

so you might say something like

how was that for you and if you have a 1 year old they might not say anything

if you have a 2 year old they might say bad

if you have a 3 or 4 year old they might say

something more

and then you just validate and repeat it back you might say

oh you feel blank or

that was blank thanks for telling me

right so now you're telling your child hey

we can have tough conversations and still

and it's okay like we don't have to shy away from like

these tough conversations

then step 3 apologize hey I'm sorry

I am so sorry that I yelled at you

and that was not my intention

and then step 4 is the most important part

which is the redo next time X y and Z happens

here's what I'm going to do

then you practice it in that moment and guess what

when you're a toddler

becomes a school age kiddo of 5 6 7 years old

they're gonna be your accountability

buddy they're gonna be like hey remember mom last time

uh this happened you said you were gonna X y and Z

that's great you know because

in the end now we're showing kids

what it's like to be human and they're actually helping us and we

the goal is to work ourselves out of the job and to

you know

to be partners with our kids we're still in charge but

this is great cause it means your kids

learning the skills too yeah what a powerful

tactic I I love that 4 step repair process

you know the the um

I'm a I'm a pilot and

that's one of my hobbies is flying airplanes

and in in in in flight training

a lot of what we do is

managing emergencies

right and it's all about

I mean the the mechanics of learning how to fly

are in fact even in your very first lesson you'll

you'll start practicing

what happens if your engine fails right and um

one of the first things that

they teach you to do in dealing with emergencies

in an airplane where I mean literally you're

you could be seconds away from

catastrophe is

um the first item on the checklist is wind the clock

and you think okay I just lost my engine

and you want me to wind the clock

and the reason is because it takes you out of the loop

out of that reaction loop for

you know three to five seconds

I'm I'm gonna wind the clock and then you can

sit down and go okay well what am I gonna do

and um

and that's

you know I feel like that's a really good metaphor for dealing

with the meltdowns also is

wind the clock just you you don't have to do anything

we're not there's not a car coming to hit the kid

we're physically safe yep so wind the clock just

sit there and think for a moment and then and then

decide how you're gonna act and then do the thing

yeah it's all about disrupting the stress response yeah

yeah how do we disrupt it how do we you know

throw a wrench in it so to stop that loop or to stop that cycle

and it's

it's challenging and so that's why I create all these

frameworks

right so we can write it down we can have it on sticky

notes we can yeah like remind

ourselves of it in the calm

moments and hopefully in the challenging moments

too and the first step is establish safety establish

the physical safety

yeah so then you can create the emotional safety

you know

as I as I think back over

you know my childhood journey I

right now I have two kids one of them's 6 one of them's

3 so one of them's kind of outside that toddler

zone that you're talking about one of them's

still smack dab in the middle of it um I don't remember

any of the fights

but I do remember the times that I didn't

measure up to my own sense of values where I lost it

or or you know I failed and I think that you know

how to part of it is being able to have the Grace

to recognize that everybody

fails and you know you you haven't

irretrievably broken your kid by yelling at him one time

uh even if it was really bad and you know what are

what are some of the tactics that you have

for giving yourself that Grace yeah

I talk about this a lot in my book as well so

you know of course

repairing the relationship is by and far

the No. 1 thing that we can do is to like re establish

that parent child bond and to

you know really make amends

making amends make amends make amends however

for our own internal mindset in these moments

it's really easy to go into a doom loop

to go into a fixed mindset I'm failing

I'm such a bad parent I'm messing

them up they're gonna need years of therapy

you know all the things yeah and so

um what you wanna do

I always say stop looking in the rearview mirror

this is a car metaphor

stop looking in the rearview mirror

stop living in the past

and what a could have should have land saying

I should have done this

could have done that if I just would have done this

X y and Z

that's not going to help us do different next time

so what we wanna do

is look out the windshield at the horizon

and we wanna say hey here's what happened

here's what I Learned here's what I wanna do next time

and then go forward and try it out

practice it in the calm moments yeah try it again

in the challenging moments

and be willing to make those mistakes

and practice again each and every time you practice

you're making progress not perfection

your practice makes progress

and each and every moment is an opportunity to practice

again

we just have to choose if we're gonna look through the

um rearview mirror

or if we're gonna look out the windshield

toward the horizon where we're going

yeah that's a really great metaphor

looking out the windshield versus the rearview mirror

it's up to you yeah

you know one of the themes that I've kind of detected

through this conversation is this notion of

parenting through connection or through control

right you know what is your goal

here are you trying to cultivate

something within your child or are you just trying to

crack the whip

and so what are some of the signs

why do we feel like we need that control why why do we

what's what's the reflex

there and why is it there and what do we do about it

yeah so Chapter 4 of my book is the um

Knowing Your parenting role

where I talk about the different types of parenting

roles the controlling commander

the permissive pushover the nagging

negotiator and the confident leader and guide yeah and

we often times want to like will slip into this role

of the controlling commander because

okay having a sense of control

some all human beings need to feel a sense of agency

right to

have some sense of agency some sense of control

and that's also very prominent in the toddler

years as your child is trying to

become their own person so it's very very prominent

but it's important to all human beings

so when we start to realize well when our toddler

starts to realize that they're a separate

individual from us and not an extension of us we often

times are still treating

them as an extension of us because we often

feel like babies are an extension of us um and so

we start getting bent out of shape when our agenda

and our toddler's agenda

doesn't match and we feel that sense of

control slipping away

and we start to realize that control is

an illusion and then

when we start looking at things like sleep eating

and going to the bathroom like you can't force

your child to close their eyes and sleep

you can't force your child to chew

food and swallow it you can't force your child to like

release and go to the bathroom right and so

toddlerhood is one

big wake up call that control is an illusion

and that is very very disconcerting because

it challenges our sense of agency and it's very hard

to be in relation with someone um especially whenever

there's such a

power dynamic difference right because we're bigger

stronger

and have a lot more life experience than toddlers so

it feels easier to like dominate and

control because they're smaller less experienced

and things like that and so

often times we're just trying to like assuage

our own discomfort and anxiety when faced

with the idea that

controls an illusion and so we think okay

I've got to have compliance

and then you couple that with like the fear

loop of like extrapolating the future

yeah so that's why we're trying to constantly

control our kids behavior

so you're either gonna have like more docile

personality children that are going to

like comply out of fear but you're priming

them for anxiety and people pleasing

or you're gonna have strong willed kids

who are going to constantly

push back push back push back

and then when they get older

those are the kids that are going to like

be more likely to lie to hide

things from you because they're afraid of getting in trouble so the kids eventually

get bigger and they get smarter and they you know have

better tactics and so really we have to think okay

connection based yes it might be more work up front

but we're still setting limits and following through

we're not saying this is a free for all

here we have to have limits

limits are so very important

but we're also not ignoring our child's

feelings and emotions and needs

but we are teaching skills

that are going to have our child be successful

and work ourselves out of the job and it gets easier

then we don't have to try to like have a

6 or 7 year old that we're trying to

control every second because good luck

yeah what so how do you deal with discipline and I I

you've advocated for something that called positive

discipline what does that look like day to day

yeah so what I like to

you know everyone's like positive discipline

conscious discipline gentle

discipline gentle parenting all the

I like to call it developmentally smart basically

we're working with our child's development

not against it and what we know from the research

that this closely aligns

with what we call authoritative parenting where

there are clear boundaries and limits in place

we are creating the container however we are still

trying to meet our child's needs

within those boundaries we are still taking

their feelings and emotions into

account and we're also teaching skills so for example

say this is like if anyone has a pet at home

you have a toddler your toddler probably

has or soon will discover the dog's water dish

and they are going to want to go play in that water

because toddlers

love water right it's sensory play it's super exciting

so you could come from like a compliance um

first in conventional way of parenting

see your child play in that water dish and say

bad no you don't do that we don't play in that water

yeah it's something like this punish them and then

okay like we did that

but what about the child's needs

what about the child's feelings

right right so we can accomplish the same thing

in a developmentally smart

emotionally healthy way by saying

oh looks like you wanna play with water

you're having so much fun playing with water

this is the dog's water no dogs water stays here

let's go play in the sink

or let's go take a bath let's go do these dishes

let's go play with a water table outside find a way

for your child to have water play

that's within your boundaries

so now we are still having limits

but we're taking our child's needs into um into

consideration yeah I find that once

when they get older you can kind of put the monkey

on their back

you you know yes

oh you want this thing but that's outside the boundaries

how do you think you might

what what's another way we could

get the benefit of that exactly so you can start this

around 3 years old but definitely

around when your child's 4 you can start saying well

what do you think how could we make this better

what's your

idea what's a way that we can play with water

that you know is within boundaries

like what you get to be

it's called collaborative problem solving yeah

and this is how we we as parents make our jobs easier

and this doesn't mean that you're weak or soft

what it means is that you're respecting

your child as a human being and as an individual

now you don't have to do what your child says

but when you let your child give some ideas

of how to figure out what to do next

not only are they practicing problem solving skills

they may come up with something you hadn't

thought about because we can't remember we we look

through at life through a very logical lens

because our brains are fully developed

and we just don't remember what it's like to

look at life in a different way without our brains

being fully mature so

our kids might teach us something or have a great idea

or maybe they don't have a great idea and you

have to work together to come up with something acceptable

but this is how you work yourself

out of the job and how you release

some of that pressure of having to have everything

figured out and know what to do all the time it's okay

for you and your child to work through it and figure it out

and then you're creating buying

cause your child feels like they have a voice

they're gonna be more likely to cooperate

when they feel like they have a voice yeah

I had a I had an experience along those lines recently

the um

the kids were in the back of the car and I was driving

along and they were bickering about something

they each wanted

the same toy or something along those lines right and

um and they were starting to

kind of yell at each other and that that is really

upsetting to me I really don't like it when they're yelling in the car

and and so I

got on the boy the boy is older and

I kind of got on him about not you know

sharing with his sister his sister

is younger and she doesn't quite have

the the the mental skills to really

ask for what she wants or really know what she wants

and the boy can be happy with a lot of different toys

and she and and the girl can't and so

I kind of got on him about not sharing with his sister

and he took from that

oh well then she always gets whatever

whatever she wants and I have to sacrifice

that's fine she can have all the toys

is is the way that presented itself

and I kind of well that that didn't

really necessarily go as planned and

the next time that happened

which was about five minutes later I I said listen

what's a way

that you can give her what she wants

or something close to what she wants that doesn't

interfere with what you want

or that even maybe enhances what you want

he thought about it for a second he came up with a good

solution

oh how about I give her this part of the toy and I retain

this other part of the toy

and we'll both be happy about that

and it worked and it actually made him excited

about the solution as opposed to resentful about the

solution

because you know he was gonna have to give up everything

he wants for his brat sister

it was it was such a

an accidental parenting victory for me and I love it

it's amazing and this is such a great example

of what it looks like to teach skills over compliance

yeah right and when we're teaching skills

now you just empowered your kids

to resolve a conflict together

so next time they're going to be more likely to resolve a conflict

without you ever having to get involved

and the more that

you practice being the coach in these situations

versus the referee

that's when they're gonna learn those skills

and in a year

you're not even gonna have to get involved

they're gonna work it out themselves

cause one of them will be the voice of reason yeah

especially

once your three year old is a little bit older

and then they're gonna be like oh what can we do here

they're gonna figure it out they're not even gonna have to come get you

yeah it also puts me and the boy

kind of on the same side it's like alright

you know you and I are a team and we're trying to figure out how to

how to make these things as smooth as possible

and how do we how do we deal with your sister if she's

if she's freaking

out about this and it's not give her everything

she wants it's you know how do we how do we

how do we do it together

yeah kids just want to feel seen and heard

and that's why the connection piece is so important

yeah the problem is is that sometimes

people slip into permissive parenting

cause they're only focused on the connection piece

right and they never set any limits or anything

so that's why we still need to

have the connection piece

set limits and follow through and um you know teach

skills right and that was just a great example

the problem solving

skills but the more kids feel seen and heard

the more that they feel like they have a voice

the more that they're gonna be bought in the

the more that they're gonna cooperate

and the easier things are going to get

yeah I always love to finish up these conversations

um by asking everybody the same question

and I know that's gonna be putting you on the spot but

when you think about the kind of humans

we're raising what is one operating principle

or a truth that that you might offer for

every parent when it comes to raising their toddler

yeah

everyone is a human being doing their best

your child did not wake up today saying

how can I make your life miserable

how can I make your life difficult

and you didn't wake up today and say

how can I make your life difficult or miserable right

but sometimes as human beings

we're not going to be at our best we're trying our best

but we might not be at our best and that is okay

it is okay to be human and so we just have to let this

idea of perfect behavior for our children

and for ourselves to let it go embrace being human

embrace having a growth mindset embrace um

this like learning and growth together

and that's really where the magic is

that's a really powerful principle

the book is called Transforming Toddlerhood

and if this conversation helped you see parenting

in a new way share it with your friend

or and and like and subscribe to the channel

and check out Devin's work the link

is in the show notes this has been raising men

I'm Shawn Dawson and you are a great parent

raising men is produced by Phil Hernandez

this episode was edited by Ralph Tolentino