Practical Tools for Navigating Big Behaviors with Tosha Schore
Tosha Schore is a parent educator, author, and the founder of Parenting Boys Peacefully. She specializes in helping parents navigate the "bad guy myth" by reframing boy aggression as a signal of fear rather than a character flaw. Tosha provides practical tools for building deep connections and setting loving limits.
5 Key Takeaways:
- Reframing aggression as a communication of fear or lack of safety.
- The transformative power of the "Special Time" practice.
- Identifying patterns and signs before meltdowns occur.
- Setting "loving limits" rather than using punitive consequences.
- Using strategic, rough-and-tumble play to breed connection.
"Aggression... it’s not a sign of a bad kid, so to speak, but a signal of a frightened one."
"I’m a big like 'zip your mouth shut' coach... 99.9% of the time when we try to like name the feeling... it doesn’t land."
"Our strategy is let’s start with our own sweet boys inside our own four walls. If we can create change there... that has a ripple effect."
00:00 — Why Shame Stops Working
00:36 — Shame Is Not a Parenting Tool
01:14 — Welcome to Raising Men
01:43 — Why Aggression Triggers Fear in Parents
02:14 — Aggression as a Signal, Not a Character Flaw
02:54 — The Fear Cycle Between Parents and Kids
03:03 — Parents Must Regulate First
03:43 — You Can Change Your Parenting Patterns
04:54 — How One Dad Broke the Aggression Cycle
05:37 — When Yelling Makes Everything Worse
06:00 — Empty Toolboxes Lead to Harsh Reactions
06:23 — Aggression as Communication
06:50 — Responding With Curiosity Instead of Control
07:17 — Start With Yourself First
07:49 — “Good Enough” Parenting
08:35 — Building Support Before Crisis Hits
09:02 — Strengthening Connection With Your Son
09:19 — Boys Are Treated Differently From Birth
10:25 — When School Punishment Escalates
11:00 — Safety First, Relationship Second
12:19 — Repairing Relationships After Conflict
13:11 — Why Repair Builds Resilience
14:02 — Special Time Builds Connection
15:16 — Why Special Time Works
16:46 — Letting Kids Lead During Special Time
17:42 — When Kids Start Asking for Connection
18:40 — Connection vs Independence
19:25 — Identifying Aggression Patterns
20:01 — Aggression Is Never Random
20:49 — Screen Time and Aggression
21:26 — Setting Loving Limits
22:35 — Giving Kids Choices Around Limits
23:41 — Why Punishment Often Backfires
24:32 — Stop Lecturing During Meltdowns
25:34 — Conan Brain vs Sherlock Brain
26:33 — “He Can’t, Not He Won’t”
27:34 — Treat Emotional Injuries Like Physical Ones
28:16 — Is There Ever a Place for Shame?
29:00 — Why Chronic Shame Makes Things Worse
30:00 — Supporters as Accountability, Not Punishment
31:16 — Bringing Aggression Out of the Shadows
32:43 — Connection Over Control
33:02 — Play as a Tool for Regulation
34:26 — Rough-and-Tumble Play Builds Bonding
35:47 — Play Is Not Condoning Behavior
36:50 — Helping Parents Get Comfortable With Play
38:16 — Where to Get Help for Aggression
39:01 — Out With Aggression Program
40:23 — Parenting Boys Peacefully Community
Books & Tools:
- Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore https://www.handinhandparenting.org/book-listen/
- Out with Aggression Course – https://www.toshaschore.com/out-with-aggression
- 10-Day Reconnect – https://www.toshaschore.com/reconnect
Guest Links:
- Website: https://www.toshaschore.com/
- Community: https://www.toshaschore.com/parenting-boys-peacefully
Parenting Boys Peacefully with Tosha Schore https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-5_mxC7GJEuGPQP6HDwOww