In this episode of Raising Men, host Shaun Dawson sits down with Dr. Samuel Latimer, a clinical and social psychologist who works on family conflict. Shaun brings him a real bedtime problem. His strong-willed four-year-old daughter loses her bedtime book under a standing rule, then falls apart about it, roughly seven nights in ten.
Latimer starts by taking the blame off the table. Temper tantrums at this age are universal across cultures, so a meltdown is not a report card on your parenting.
From there the two of them rebuild the routine. They look at the campground version of bedtime, where the light drops and everybody turns in together. They look at whether leaving the room has quietly become the punishment. And they land somewhere simpler than any sticker chart. The most powerful part of a bedtime routine may be a parent modeling sleep itself.
Shaun makes a commitment on air, and promises to report back.
Key Takeaways
1. Temper tantrums at four are universal across cultures. A meltdown at bedtime is not a verdict on your parenting, and remembering that is most of what keeps you grounded.
2. Before you change anything, work out whether the fight is about the thing you took away or about wanting a parent in the room longer. The fix is different for each one.
3. Let the house do some of the work. Bring the indoor lights down gradually in the last hour, the way the light drops on a campground and everybody turns in together.
4. If you leave the room to cope, leaving can start to feel like the punishment. Stay physically present, close your eyes, put a hand on her leg, and calm yourself in front of her instead of away from her.
5. The most powerful part of the routine may be a parent modeling sleep. Lie down and breathe, and during the day run the whole bedtime routine as a game, with your child as the parent and the stuffed animals as the kids.
Quotes
"It's not bad parenting, it is universal across cultures." - Dr. Samuel Latimer
"The most powerful part of the bedtime routine is us modeling sleeping itself." - Dr. Samuel Latimer
"Are there things that you or I are doing that are reinforcing the cycle?" - Dr. Samuel Latimer
Chapters
00:00:00 Welcome Back Dr. Samuel Latimer
00:00:42 The Loggerhead Stage At Four
00:01:54 Dinner And The Wormies Begin
00:03:12 The Bedtime Book Gets Taken
00:04:52 Tantrums Are Universal Not Failure
00:06:28 Is It Removal Or Attention
00:08:46 The Campground Model Of Bedtime
00:11:48 The Same Time Either Way
00:12:47 Stay In The Room Breathing
00:15:05 When Leaving Becomes The Punishment
00:16:22 Modeling Sleep Is The Routine
Books, Links and Frameworks Mentioned
Ancient Wisdom for Modern Boys with Dr. Samuel Latimer: https://raising.men/episodes/ancient-wisdom-for-modern-boys-with-dr-samuel-latimer
